New Decade, New Me?

Happy 2020 everyone! I wish you all happiness, health & laughter for the coming year and years ahead! It’s been a hot minute, I went to Japan and never told you guys about it so that’s going to be the next post. Along with pictures and video’s. I’m so excited to show you guys!

Today (8th Jan) I was doing my workout and I suddenly felt a sense of… calm. It took me by surprise and it made me question myself. Let me explain.

So having health anxiety i’m always in tune with what’s going on with my body and if I don’t, i’ll freak out and have an attack until i’m certain of what the problem is. This mean’s i’m constantly on edge. It’s gotten better over the years but it’s still something I have a hard time with. This sense of calm that I had, made me feel normal. I stood there saying to myself.. Is this what normal feels like? I’ve spoken about depersonalization before I think. It’s when you have a out of body experience and it’s something that used to happen a lot to me. It felt like that but I was here and in the moment. It was odd, yet it felt nice and made me ask myself if this is how I used to be. Then it made me ask myself, why am I so used to anxiety being constantly there? I deserve to feel normal, right? Of course this only lasted for an hour max, I started overthinking and you guessed it… anxiety kicked back in.

I want to work on this, this year. 2019 I feel was such an amazing year for me. I gained a lot of my self confidence back and yes I had some ups and downs but who doesn’t. I did things I never even imagined I would have had the chance to do because of my mental health. I’m so damn proud of myself. Which is why this year I feel like I can do more. I won’t get ahead of myself of course but I will push my boundaries and test my limits. I want to do more with my life. See and experience so many things.

I’ve gotten restless and i’m full of anticipation because I want to get the ball rolling from now! However this year I’ve decided i’m not going to plan much.. I’m simply just going to do. I’ve always believed actions speak louder than words… in most circumstances. So i’ll be making movements this year. Silently and patiently, which i’m kind of excited about. I have my doubts of course but i’m trying to see the end goal here. I realise this all sounds so cryptic but I promise you it will all make sense in a few months time!

So update on my mental health. I’m in some kind of funk. I know i’m not depressed I just feel down a lot of the time. I think i’ve gotten used to saying ‘I’m fine’ when i’m really not. I’ve gone back to the ‘I don’t want to bother people with my crap’ routine. I’ve withdrawn again but I think that’s just because i’m evaluating and assessing. I need to start writing in the diary again, it’s been a good few months. You know when you have so many thoughts floating around you don’t know where to start? That’s me and I know it’s better to write but I literally don’t know where to begin. It’s 1 of those, i’ll deal with it all later when I know I shouldn’t and I should deal now. I blame the stubbornness in me. All will be well though. I feel like change will happen soon and then who knows!

Roll on 2020..

Shanai x

Honesty

When was the last time you was honest? Not just with other people but yourself. When was the last time you truly expressed your thoughts and voiced your frustrations, opinions and dilemmas? Not even just that, your achievements, your goals or plans.

Note: This doesn’t have to be in a negative way. Think debates and discussions. Just general chit chat.

Answering that myself I can’t say that I have been. I tend to swerve a lot of situations, especially with the people closest to me. Lately it’s been bugging me so much that I feel like i’m going to burst. I want to be able to tell people when they’re pissing me off. When I feel insulted, ganged up on or hurt. I want to be able to say how I feel and people should respect that. At the end of the day we all have opinions. Some on things that don’t concern us, but when they do who am I to tell you how to feel?

Bottling up feelings is something that i’m a pro at. It just makes me uncomfortable to speak so openly and yes writing these blog posts are mad to me but it’s pushing me out of my comfort zone. These days, I am more honest with people but I do tend to give a watered down version of how I’m really feeling. I’m also not very good with words. I mumble or say the wrong thing. Then I feel like an idiot so I tend to stay quiet. Unless i’m having a laugh or intoxicated.

I often view this as a personality flaw in myself and wish that I could be more outspoken (why can’t you be normal Shanai). Sometimes I plan what I’m going to say to people but when it comes down to it I chicken out or again.. watered down version. This helps though. My online diary and maybe this is why i’ve been so frustrated and over thinking things lately. I haven’t touched my personal diary (or this one) in months. I will forever stress to people that writing things down. Just to get things off your chest can help so much. I have to learn to practise what I preach.

Here’s some honesty. I’m having a pretty bad anxiety attack whilst writing this paragraph. I’m sat on the bus next to someone I don’t know with thoughts that i’m about to pass out or die soon. This attack interrupted my gym routine, of which I had been looking forward to all day. I’m twitching, checking my pulse and trying to focus on Jagged Edge – Let’s get married being blasted into my ear. To be honest, (hah) I think I’m coping with it really well today. Although I’m really upset that I didn’t get to finish my workout. I’ll probably get home and cry with frustration or just because it feels good to release. What’s worse right now are the growing headache and pains in my body that I know are all to do with my anxiety. See when I have an attack I can only focus on 1 thing at a time. I’m focussed so much on writing that i’m forgetting words. Completely gone over my head. I’ll probably read this later and be like what in the world but I promise you I won’t edit it. I can’t wait to get home and i’m not even half way there yet.

I can confirm that I made it home safe and sound. A little tired but I made it. I baked, got a little more angry then I sang and cried for about an hour. Fun fact: Frank Ocean – There Will be Tears makes me cry everytime I listen or sing to it). I’m currently writing the next post, which has to do with this song and the reason why so stay tuned. My head isn’t in a very good place right now. I know what the problem is but doing something about it is stressing me out. This mental battle i’m having is so draining. I need to remember my positive affirmations. My goals, hopes and dreams. Believe in myself.

Until the next one..

Shanai xxx

I guess

I’m not even going to give you the “sorry i’ve not been posting” crap because well… Honestly i’ve been loving and living life. Just know that everything is going good(ish) with me at the minute and i’m in a happier place. After this post i’ll be writing more casually, as and when I choose. I may start posting pictures. I may write about stressful days, joyful moments. I just want this blog to be more… me. Rather than my past horrors, which whilst I appreciate they made me who I am now, I’m trying to move forward from that. I want you guys to be a part of my movement and I hope I can inspire people to try and do new things.

I’ve been trying to plan and think of topics for a couple of months now. I wanted to keep you guys entertained? That’s not the right word… Engaged, I think says it better. I was worried that I had nothing else to write about and you would get bored of me. Then I realised that, as much as this blog was to let others know the real me, it’s also to help myself. To learn and grow as a person and to reflect on things that broke and challenged me.

This is a thing that I have. I always want to please people and it’s not always a good thing. I can’t please everyone and I lose a piece of myself everytime I say yes to something that really and truely I don’t want to do. Would I call mysef a pushover? Yes, in certain circumstances I can be. I’ve let people walk all over me, treat me like how they wanted. Say some horrible things and yes I have a bad temper but i’m also a person who doesn’t like comfrontation. I don’t know how I put up with it to be honest. Everywhere I go people say ” you’re too nice ” and I think I am but does it hurt to be kind and polite to people? Like yo, have some manners at least. Imagine, I apologise if someone bumps into me. INTO ME.

I’m the modern day Yes Man. I haven’t watched that film but maybe I should. Learn how to say no more often. Then again… in saying that, I don’t like to let people down so i’ll try my hardest for them no matter what it is. I always feel like it’s my duty to be there for as many people as possible but man does it take it’s toll. I honestly think i’m an empath. (If you don’t know what that is google it. It’s long and to be honest quite interesting) I pick up things/vibes from people and my surroundings and i’m just overwhelmed with it. Anyways that’s a whole other conversation I don’t even think i’m ready to have with myself yet.

I moan quite a lot, this whole post just sounds annoying to me haha. If it’s boring you then i’m sorry. The past couple of weeks have been.. hard for me. It was my Dad’s 20th Anniversary of his death last week and my cousins birthday is in a couple of weeks. They’re both not here and i’ve been thinking about them so much that it hurts. I even had a dream that my cousin visited me and it felt so real. I only ever had dreams about my Dad before, my mom says he’s checking on me. Sometimes I wish before I sleep that he’ll visit me, but he never does. It usually happens when i’m in a hard place and need some encouragement that everything will be ok. I guess my cousin decided to let me know that this time. Again this is for another post…

*sigh* I don’t want to leave this on a mood killer or something sad. So i’ll let you guys know that i’m going to Japan! In november this year and i’m so excited about it. If you know me, you’ll know I love my anime, gaming & asian culture. Literally live and breathe for it. I’m packing half a suitcase because I know i’ll be buying any and everything that can come back with me. I think I may actually cry because i’m going with some of my favourite people and I can’t wait to share that experience with them. So yes, the past couple of weeks have been hard but I also have a lot to be thankful for. There’s always a silver lining to a grey cloud and i’m looking to go that way instead of into old habits.

I appreciate each and every person that reads this post or even my past 1’s. I’ll try my best to be more consistent but i’m also not making promises. I hope everyone is doing well and if you’re in a bad place then don’t be shy to get into contact with me. I might not always have the best advice but i’m here to just listen or vent to.

Until the next one…

Shanai xxx

Phobia

Agoraphobia. It’s something I don’t really mention when I speak about my mental struggles. I think because I don’t want people to think that I’m so messed up that I’m begging for attention. Another one of my struggles but I’m learning to let that go.

What is Agoraphobia? There are a lot of aspects to this, I don’t really think you can define it by 1 thing. It’s basically the fear and avoidance of certain situations or places that will cause you to panic. This is my life. A constant avoidance, no matter how much I’m moving forward there’s this obstacle that I can’t get over and I don’t know how.

Back in 2014 after I was diagnosed I think I spent about 5 months inside the house. I didn’t leave, not for anything. My mom, man I love my momma, she took 2 or 3 months off work to look after me. I would literally cry if I was left alone in the house. I was hysterical, I hyperventilated a lot and would have to stick my head out the window to let air back in. There were times that I used to phone my little brother while he was at work and beg him to come home because I couldn’t take it. I’d be on the phone to him, even as he was travelling home so I wouldn’t feel alone. The times that I was alone in the house I’d spend in bed. All day, I literally wouldn’t move until my mom got back, when I knew that I could breathe easy for a while. The thought of leaving the house at that time, even to just walk down the road made me sick. In my head it was, I’m going to have a panic attack and look like an idiot or I’m not safe outside I’m going to drop dead somewhere and no one will be there for me. Even to this very day these thoughts are with me. Going somewhere by myself scares the absolute crap out of me. Now that I’ve started to take a little control back over my life I’m able to go to places and do things. In no way is it easy though, it’s so damn hard. Your mind is such a powerful place, how 1 thought can multiply and consume your mind is so bizarre to me.

It was at this time that I stopped eating too, I lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time. During those 5 months my body went through hell, the amount of stress that ran through me. I’m so proud of myself because there were times when I wanted it all to be over. There’s an ache in my heart remembering all of this, keeping it locked away and now bringing it back up is making me really emotional. Its good for me to look back at this moment though because look how far I’ve come.

One of the things I can’t get over is my fear of public transport or just travel in general. Basically just being anywhere that’s not home. My very first panic attack was on the bus, as I was going to the gym so you know where this is going. I thinks its the small space or the feeling that I can’t escape that does me over. The fact that I feel like I have to act normal so I don’t look like an idiot in front of people. Especially as I don’t drive yet so public transport is it for now. I have this.. tell when I start to feel anxious. I can’t keep still, constantly moving and twitching, checking my pulse, deep breathing, taking sips of water. The worst is when my head starts to feel heavy, my legs feeling like jelly and I can hear my own heartbeat. I absolutely hate it. I try to avoid it as much as possible but every so often it gets to me. I guess the only change from back then to now is that I don’t let it stop me. Sure my mood will completely change and my energy levels drop but with sleep and good food I usually bounce back. It’s just sometimes going through all of this hurts. So so bad. I can’t put it into words. All of this effects me socialising with people and I miss that so much. I go out from time to time but not nearly as much as I used to. It’s lonely dealing with suppressing negative thoughts and trying to live your life too. Which is why my end goal in life is to just find my happy and live in that.

In case anyone was wondering, I don’t take any medication for my mental health. Never have. It was a choice that I went back and forth with for a while. The determination to better myself without relying on meds isn’t easy in the slightest. I was perscribed Citalopram which is an antidepressant but I’ve never used it. I know some people are probably thinking man you’re strange for refusing to help yourself. I don’t see it that way though. Everyone is different no? To me all I was thinking at the time was that I don’t want to rely on it. What happens when I want to stop taking them? Not to mention the (ok it has less than others) side effects. That would just give me more anxiety. I don’t want to be taking meds for the rest of my life. I’d rather live knowing that I at least tried the natural route and I’m a big fan of natural products and remedies. What helps my depression, anxiety and agoraphobia a lot is a balanced diet and exercise. Something that takes effort and a lot of planning. Yes ok, I’ve put on weight since I lost a lot of it but I’m heading in the right direction again. If that means in a few years time I eventually start taking meds then so be it but for now that’s not where I’m at.

What I’m trying to say is, if you’re going through what I do, do what’s right for you. Its a matter of trial and error. You’ll eventually figure it out.Most importantly…. You’ve got this.

Until the next one

Shanai xxx

Escape

What’s your escape?

Hmm, I kind of like asking questions at the beginning of a post, I may make it a thing. Question of the week. Anyway back on topic, an escape. What do you do to relax?

Personally I game (A lot). Growing up with 2 brothers it was bound to happen. I’ve always been a tomboy, playing football or cricket (yes I played cricket) however I still had my barbie’s and dolls. I just like to mix it up a little you know. Gaming is a whole other world, yes it frustrates me from time to time but its a great escape from reality for a while. If i’m feeling anxious at any point during the day gaming usually helps calm me down.

What’s funny is that my brother bought an Xbox One and I bought the PS4, we swapped consoles as our friends were on the other platform. So Xbox it is for me (plus I like gameplay better on xbox). I do eventually want to build my own PC and when I get my own place it will more than likely have a games room (yes i’m serious). My game list is as follows Apex Legends, Black Ops 3&4, DragonBall Xenoverse 1&2, Fortnite, Overwatch & Rainbow 6 Siege. So I basically like shooting things. I think though its more the competitive side to gaming that keeps me interested. I’m a competitive person but know when to humble myself. If I suck at something, i’ll say that I suck at it but I always aim to improve and get better.

The gaming community is huge! I’ve made so many friends and met some wierdo’s but hey ho that’s the way of life. Guys reactions to a girl gaming is something else. The amount of sexist jokes is unreal “oh why don’t you get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich”. Huge eye roll whenever I hear that one, its the first that usually comes out. I’m not trying to put anyone off but if you’re a girl and you game and talk on mic’s like I do then you know what I mean.

Anyways other than gaming I love films. My dvd collection is over 100 but I love anything Marvel or comic related. Ok minus Venom because they murdered that film and cremated it. I don’t even want to get into that. Oh and DC films because Justice League was a shambles…. I should totally do film reviews on here. Let you guys know what i’m currently into etc. Like have you seen the trailer for the Aladdin live action film? Oh my gosh, i’m so hyped for that it’s unreal. I think the biggest film i’m waiting for is Avengers: Endgame because wow wow wow they have a lot of explaning to do!

So this post was really just a chat. I didn’t really have a topic in mind and my last 3 posts were kind of intense so I wanted to lighten the mood a little. P.S sorry this is a day late, I have the flu and yesterday I could just about breathe.

Until the next one.

Shanai xxx

Magic

What’s your favourite song?

Mine without a doubt is Coldplay – Magic. I know, the song is about heartache, a devastating break-up and love. It’s not for that reason.

When I first started having panic attacks nothing would calm me down. This was before I started getting therapy, the time where I never understood what I was going through. The first year of my attacks were the worst. Imagine feeling like you’re literally about to die. The swelling of your chest, the ache in your limbs and the lack of concentration is a combination of dread. Honestly it’s one of the worst feelings and I can’t explain enough how scary and mind altering an attack is. They were so bad that I hardly remember a 6 month period of my life. It’s a complete blur, everyday I would have at least 1 attack and they would last for hours. Hours of desperation and wanting it to end. Of sweating, hyperventilating, being tense and on edge. I literally felt as if I was falling apart and going crazy at the same time. All I did back then was cry. I wouldn’t eat, I hardly slept and I thought I was in a never ending abyss. It’s an odd feeling really, when I think about it afterwards.

Magic. I’m listening to it now as I write this. The album Ghost Stories came out in 2014 so I suppose it’s fitting that this is my favourite song. There’s something almost hypnotising about it. The beat and melody calls to my soul. The second I hear that first note everything around me fades into the background. It makes me smile, besides the devastating reason behind the song. Listen to it if you like, close your eyes and listen to it. Let me know what you think.

I can’t exactly remember how I started listening to Magic whilst having my attacks. As I don’t remember much from back then but I do know that this song helps to calm me down. I forget everything and just listen. I still listen to it to this day if I start to feel some type of way. It’s almost as if it grounds me and brings me back to reality. A reminder that I’m ok and that time will pass. That I’m human.

Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t work every time I listen to it for that reason but the fact that at that time where I was at my worst, it helped me get through it. Even for just a little bit, means the world to me. This is the reason why it’s my favourite song.

I could write so much more (like a lot) but I don’t want this post to be a long one…. So what’s your favourite song? What memory do you attach to it?

Until the next one

Shanai xxx

Self Love VS Self Doubt

I find it difficult to talk about myself. When someone says, ‘so tell me something interesting about yourself’, my brain automatically switches off. Like how am I supposed to know? It’s easy to assess other people, I’m an extremely observant person. I have this knack of sussing people out which is kind of odd and a little freaky to be honest. Moral of this story I can see the best in other people but not in myself.

I think I’ve always doubted myself in a way. Doubted my self worth, personality, looks. Just to name a few, I think everyone does this though yes? It’s ingrained in us, constantly comparing ourselves to others (especially us women) or doubting our capabilities. It takes a strong person to overcome all of this and go for what they want. Even now I’m supposed to be writing about myself and look what I’m doing…. Old habits.

I suppose the latest incident of me doubting myself would have to be in my career. I finished my Graphic Design degree in 2014 and as I told you in the last post, that year wasn’t a good year for me. Therefore I didn’t chase my dreams at that time to become a designer.  It wasn’t until last year where I spent the whole year either in a design internship or working and it made me more determined to succeed. Alas my current situation is not so great. I’ve been unemployed and applying for design jobs since December. I’m staying positive and have a feeling that things will look up soon but it’s hard out here. I can’t help but think that because I had a few years off from design I’ve fallen totally out of touch with it or I’m not good enough. Hence the self doubt and reason for this post.

I’m not giving up though, design is something I love and honestly I just want the opportunity to prove to myself that I can do this. I’m trying to keep myself occupied whilst still waiting for the right opportunity.

Whilst doing all of this, I’ve noticed that I have this pattern of shutting myself off from the world, my friends and family. I become very guarded and hardly speak or get involved in things. I have this thought ingrained in my head that I’m such a failure or lacking something by not being employed that I don’t want to bother people with my “problems”. Messed up right?… Welcome to my brain. I know it’s ridiculous but I can’t help but think and feel like that. So if you’ve noticed this about me, that’s probably the reason why. I’m trying to change my trail of thought, it just takes time and a lot of patience. You have to learn to love yourself first in order to heal.

The amount of times I blamed myself for not being strong enough back then and then maybe I wouldn’t be having this struggle right now but I can’t change the past. That was then and this is now. I’ve learned to let that go, just like I’m learning to let a lot of things go and to take life as it comes. Last year I started to become more confident and was practicing self love and self care. I still do now too, feel more confident. Which is why I’m able to write all of these thoughts down. Just doing small things like changing my diet and exercise routine really helps my mind and gives me clarity.

Believe me there are days where I just want to go back to bed or give up all together but I’m not getting any younger. There’s a whole world out there that I want to explore. I’ve said countless amounts of times that I want to travel before I decide where I want to settle in life. In order for that to happen I have to be optimistic, I believe it’ll manifest in time so I’ve got my mind open and positive thoughts flowing. In the meantime I need to work on myself more. Push myself in the right direction and stop being so hard on myself. When you’ve been knocked back so many times, there’s only the way forward right? So I’m heading in that direction… Or at least I hope I am.

Until the next one

Shanai xxx