Japan Part 1 – Nov 2019

This has been a long time coming! If you’ve been waiting I want to thank you because I know i’ve put this off several times. This is Part 1 of 2. I have so many images and special moments that I want to share from this experience. Japan was… incredible. I don’t think my pictures do it justice. Everyone knows I love Asian culture and food. I’ve been speaking about going here for the LONGEST time and honestly if it wasn’t for my bestie getting married and then travelling last year, I probably wouldn’t have gone. We did so much for 2 weeks but i’m going back because there are still so many things that I want to experience.

A personal highlight for me was the Fushimi Inari Taisha Shrine in Kyoto. One of my favourite films is Memoir’s of a Geisha, (highly recommend) they filmed a small section here which I always thought looked beautiful. To finally visit was beyond amazing. I always felt so grounded when visiting a shrine or temple. Here I felt rested, like i’d completed something from my bucket list. It is quite a climb and we didn’t quite make the top but I will go back! Also Ko-Koen Garden in Osaka. This was everything! We were a couple of days away from coming home and I never knew I needed a piece of nature until I got here. Also can I just point out that I love Koi fish! They are so colourful and have a graceful nature about them.

Part 1 will only have pictures of sights and some places that we explored so there are no images of my friends. (Again next post, need to ask permission) Also there are things we did which won’t be on this post but in the next so hang tight! I haven’t edited in years, my “style” is very colour dependant and heavy, to be honest I want to edit some of them further but these will do for now. Don’t want to waffle on this post i’ll do it on the next. I hope you all enjoy!

Shanai x

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Tokyo
Pokemon Centre
Sensoji Temple
Worm
Teamlab Borderless
Meiji Jingu Shrine
Shibuya
Shibuya Sky
Kawaii Monster Cafe

Kyoto
Gion District
Higashiyama District
Nara Park
Arashiyama Bamboo Grove
Golden Temple
Fushimi Inari Taisha Shrine

Osaka
Dotonburi Street
Himeji Castle
Ko-Koen Garden

How am I..?

2020 has not been a grand year has it? I mean look where we’re at now, in January I was planning at least 3 holidays. February was particularly brutal for me, both personally and with work. March was when we all knew 2020 was cancelled… Now it’s May.

I’ve been meaning to post for the longest time. I started so many drafts, either on the way to work or before I fell asleep but they were never published. At the time, the things I wanted to write about I was scared of sharing. Not because of the context but because I didn’t think I had the right to feel that way. Basically ignoring my inner self. I’d been doing that a lot, suppressing my feelings and putting other people first, that I started to loose myself. Anxiety was sky high, depression kicked in and I gained weight. Sigh. Of course I kept all of this to myself. Told everyone the classic I’m fine.

Let’s be honest. Negative Nancy is not attractive, I get annoyed at myself when I fall into that trap, so I’d never want to annoy people. Hence my social media break from Jan – March. I NEEDED it. No Insta, no Twitter and I don’t really use anything else so meh. I can’t tell you how important it is to distance yourself from drama, influences and sometimes just people. You need that time alone to process and deal with things that you have going on in life. However, there’s a difference from distancing and totally shutting yourself off.

I often feel selfish for expressing myself. It’s so hard to explain, it’s more than the I don’t want to bother you vibe. It’s like I shouldn’t have those feelings to begin with or why the hell is this feeling back, why won’t you go away? This sounds so messed up writing but it’s also made me realise that I need to go back to therapy sessions. Even though I didn’t enjoy them. I need to open up more. More than I already have, which for me is really good progress but I feel like i’m not truly showing myself. I’ve lost a lot of the confidence I gained and it’s really bugging me. I know i’m an awkward person, there’s no changing that and I don’t really want to. It’s the second guessing and not believing that anything I say will hold true with anyone or seem like i’m important enough to listen to. After Japan last year I started feeling lost. What is it that i’m striving for now? What’s the next big thing for me? 2019 I had achieved SO much. Beyond anything I was expecting and i’m more than proud of myself. I have my amazing friends and family to thank (So thank you if you’re reading this, you know who you are) Don’t get me wrong, you can only stay that high for so long right. The ups and downs of life, I just wasn’t expecting my fall to be so quick or sudden.

I’ve been trying to deal with my emotions and feelings since Jan really. Then lockdown happened and well.. Mental health took a turn there too. I’ve been doing better though. I’m trying to speak up more, i’m working out everyday. I go for walks when I can, trying to eat healthy but boredom strikes sometimes haha. At the beginning of lockdown I was putting pressure on myself to get so many things started and done that it was just unrealistic. I think a lot of people are doing that too or comparing themselves to others and we all do it! As people we look to others for validation and it shouldn’t be that way. Do what what makes YOU happy. Especially in lockdown, it’s so important.

Yesterday I turned 27 and it’s funny because a friend asked me how does it feel and at the time I said the same. Today I woke up feeling different. I feel 27 and we all know i’m a big kid at heart. I know that sounds odd but it’s like a validation of a new start or greater things are coming. Manifesting what I want out of this next year and years to come will be interesting. I’ve put some things in place but I know there are certain leaps that I need to make in order to grow as a person. I’m hoping that when lockdown is over I can plan some more and have some clarity and peace of mind.

So there’s a little update from me to you. I’m going to try to start posting regularly again. I know I promised the Japan post and it will come. I’m currently editing some pictures so I will publish them soon. I hope you are all well and lockdown isn’t treating you so hard.

We’ve got this guys!
Shanai xx

New Decade, New Me?

Happy 2020 everyone! I wish you all happiness, health & laughter for the coming year and years ahead! It’s been a hot minute, I went to Japan and never told you guys about it so that’s going to be the next post. Along with pictures and video’s. I’m so excited to show you guys!

Today (8th Jan) I was doing my workout and I suddenly felt a sense of… calm. It took me by surprise and it made me question myself. Let me explain.

So having health anxiety i’m always in tune with what’s going on with my body and if I don’t, i’ll freak out and have an attack until i’m certain of what the problem is. This mean’s i’m constantly on edge. It’s gotten better over the years but it’s still something I have a hard time with. This sense of calm that I had, made me feel normal. I stood there saying to myself.. Is this what normal feels like? I’ve spoken about depersonalization before I think. It’s when you have a out of body experience and it’s something that used to happen a lot to me. It felt like that but I was here and in the moment. It was odd, yet it felt nice and made me ask myself if this is how I used to be. Then it made me ask myself, why am I so used to anxiety being constantly there? I deserve to feel normal, right? Of course this only lasted for an hour max, I started overthinking and you guessed it… anxiety kicked back in.

I want to work on this, this year. 2019 I feel was such an amazing year for me. I gained a lot of my self confidence back and yes I had some ups and downs but who doesn’t. I did things I never even imagined I would have had the chance to do because of my mental health. I’m so damn proud of myself. Which is why this year I feel like I can do more. I won’t get ahead of myself of course but I will push my boundaries and test my limits. I want to do more with my life. See and experience so many things.

I’ve gotten restless and i’m full of anticipation because I want to get the ball rolling from now! However this year I’ve decided i’m not going to plan much.. I’m simply just going to do. I’ve always believed actions speak louder than words… in most circumstances. So i’ll be making movements this year. Silently and patiently, which i’m kind of excited about. I have my doubts of course but i’m trying to see the end goal here. I realise this all sounds so cryptic but I promise you it will all make sense in a few months time!

So update on my mental health. I’m in some kind of funk. I know i’m not depressed I just feel down a lot of the time. I think i’ve gotten used to saying ‘I’m fine’ when i’m really not. I’ve gone back to the ‘I don’t want to bother people with my crap’ routine. I’ve withdrawn again but I think that’s just because i’m evaluating and assessing. I need to start writing in the diary again, it’s been a good few months. You know when you have so many thoughts floating around you don’t know where to start? That’s me and I know it’s better to write but I literally don’t know where to begin. It’s 1 of those, i’ll deal with it all later when I know I shouldn’t and I should deal now. I blame the stubbornness in me. All will be well though. I feel like change will happen soon and then who knows!

Roll on 2020..

Shanai x

There Will be Tears..

..I’ve no doubt

I will forever love Frank Oceans’s mixtape Nostalgia, Ultra. The bangers on this EP alone is just spot on feels. So the reason for this song title..

(Disclaimer: This post may have triggering words and genre’s. All words are my own and are not intended to upset or harm anyone)

This past September was the 20th anniversary of my dad’s death. I don’t really know how I feel about it to be honest. I felt so many emotions throughout that month, I was really overwhelmed. There have been many times where i’ve thought that i’m at peace with it. I’ve accepted it, when in actual fact I haven’t. I tend to go from anger to grief a lot. Like why did this have to happen to my family? To me? Writing in my diary that I wish my dad was here. Crying myself to sleep because I just don’t understand. I know I’ve said bits about my dad and how it affected me in previous posts but this is intended to go a little deeper.

So when I was 6 I remember there was a period of time where my dad wasn’t at home with us. He was in Jamaica making arrangements to build a house out there for our family. This is something I found out last year. When I say the floodgates opened when I found out, I had absolutely no idea. I only found out because my mom still has the house plans, drawings, sketches, contracts and everything that involves building a house stored at the bottom of her wardrobe. She probably won’t want me to be writing about this but sorry mom I’m being honest on here. Even now I can’t believe it, me and my brother have made a vow that we will build that house 1 day. Even if I leave it up to my future generations I want it to be there.

I can’t remember exactly how long he was away I just know it was a while. Then he was sick and then he was gone. Looking back, this feels like a huge blip in my life. Every year I grow further apart from his memory and it makes me so sad. I have pictures and we even have family video’s which I haven’t watched in years! Oh gosh, this literally just came back to me. Me and my younger brother would watch those religiously every weekend way back when. I don’t think I realised it then but I think I was trying to keep him close to me or maybe I was healing? I don’t know. Either way, i’m digging those out. We still have a VCR but I just need to check that it works. I’m a little excited now. Excited to hear his voice.

The last time I saw him. So we get to the hospital and are put into this room. My brothers, mom & I. Then the doctor starts to explain what is happening, they say something and all I remember is my mom breaking down before the doctor has even finished. When my mom cries, I cry. Same for my brothers… I don’t even think it registered in my head. How can it? At 6 years old? We’re told we have 1 last time to see him. When I do I just cry and cry. I didn’t want to look at him. He said something directly to me and for the life of me I can’t remember what it is. This makes me so upset & I haven’t thought about this moment in such a long time. Writing about this is just bringing up so much that i’d forgotten and all I feel is pain.

Anything that revolves around death I tend to just be cold about nowadays. Its put to the back of my mind and i’ve blocked out memories which upset me too much. At times I remember certain things but because of my depression and anxiety I suppress it, so I don’t feel some type of way. Even though all of this goes on I think i’ve come a long way. Before, death was all I could think about which is when I had my panic attacks. At that time I didn’t think I would make it past 23 and I would literally plan my own funeral in my head. Not thoughts you should be having at 21 years old.

Enough about that. I’m finding it harder than I thought I would. My dad was a fun guy, I know that much. We would always be doing something as a family. My older brother could probably elaborate more than me. I only remember certain things like when we went to Jamaica for the longesttt time. Also Christmas! I remember the last Christmas we all had together which was also the last time we put a Christmas tree up in our home. Things we’re never the same but I thank my mom for being the strong person she was for raising 3 children by herself.

Being honest. Life after my dad passing has been humbling. Although there are negative aspects too. Like the fact that I find it really hard to open up or even articulate myself sometimes. I always say i’m not good at talking (which i’m not) I stumble, mumble and forget words which is the worst! I’m very quiet and I would even call myself boring which is an insecure thing but whatever. I’m envious of families, I used to find it hard to say the word “dad”. I think I would have been (and I know from remembering parts of the home video’s) a daddy’s girl. I’ve mentioned before that I sometimes dream about my Pops. He usually appears when i’m really upset about something or things are on my mind. The last time he wanted to check in on myself and my little brother. It’s nice those moments but in a dream it only ever lasts for seconds and then you’re up. I never wake upset from those dreams. Always with the feeling that he’s watching over and protecting me.

I wish he could have been here today. I wish I could physically speak to him, hug him, and just have my dad. Life is life though. Its unexpected, crazy, weird and random. Who knows where we will all end up. I’ve learn’t, especially over the last few years, to not take anything for granted. Live in the moment and do what you want to bloody do. Life is honestly too short. Which is why I try not to plan too far into the future. Live now deal with the consequences tomorrow (and you can take that how you want.. as long as you’re legal and not stupid 🤨).

So yes, although it’s taken me so long to write and many tears have been shed. I’m glad that i’ve written about this. It’s helped me to remember things, things i’d genuinely forgotten about. This has helped me release a lot of thoughts i’ve been holding in for a while. And yeah I didn’t go deep into detail but if you want to know any more then just ask.

The next post will be a happy one. Promise..

Shanai 💜

Honesty

When was the last time you was honest? Not just with other people but yourself. When was the last time you truly expressed your thoughts and voiced your frustrations, opinions and dilemmas? Not even just that, your achievements, your goals or plans.

Note: This doesn’t have to be in a negative way. Think debates and discussions. Just general chit chat.

Answering that myself I can’t say that I have been. I tend to swerve a lot of situations, especially with the people closest to me. Lately it’s been bugging me so much that I feel like i’m going to burst. I want to be able to tell people when they’re pissing me off. When I feel insulted, ganged up on or hurt. I want to be able to say how I feel and people should respect that. At the end of the day we all have opinions. Some on things that don’t concern us, but when they do who am I to tell you how to feel?

Bottling up feelings is something that i’m a pro at. It just makes me uncomfortable to speak so openly and yes writing these blog posts are mad to me but it’s pushing me out of my comfort zone. These days, I am more honest with people but I do tend to give a watered down version of how I’m really feeling. I’m also not very good with words. I mumble or say the wrong thing. Then I feel like an idiot so I tend to stay quiet. Unless i’m having a laugh or intoxicated.

I often view this as a personality flaw in myself and wish that I could be more outspoken (why can’t you be normal Shanai). Sometimes I plan what I’m going to say to people but when it comes down to it I chicken out or again.. watered down version. This helps though. My online diary and maybe this is why i’ve been so frustrated and over thinking things lately. I haven’t touched my personal diary (or this one) in months. I will forever stress to people that writing things down. Just to get things off your chest can help so much. I have to learn to practise what I preach.

Here’s some honesty. I’m having a pretty bad anxiety attack whilst writing this paragraph. I’m sat on the bus next to someone I don’t know with thoughts that i’m about to pass out or die soon. This attack interrupted my gym routine, of which I had been looking forward to all day. I’m twitching, checking my pulse and trying to focus on Jagged Edge – Let’s get married being blasted into my ear. To be honest, (hah) I think I’m coping with it really well today. Although I’m really upset that I didn’t get to finish my workout. I’ll probably get home and cry with frustration or just because it feels good to release. What’s worse right now are the growing headache and pains in my body that I know are all to do with my anxiety. See when I have an attack I can only focus on 1 thing at a time. I’m focussed so much on writing that i’m forgetting words. Completely gone over my head. I’ll probably read this later and be like what in the world but I promise you I won’t edit it. I can’t wait to get home and i’m not even half way there yet.

I can confirm that I made it home safe and sound. A little tired but I made it. I baked, got a little more angry then I sang and cried for about an hour. Fun fact: Frank Ocean – There Will be Tears makes me cry everytime I listen or sing to it). I’m currently writing the next post, which has to do with this song and the reason why so stay tuned. My head isn’t in a very good place right now. I know what the problem is but doing something about it is stressing me out. This mental battle i’m having is so draining. I need to remember my positive affirmations. My goals, hopes and dreams. Believe in myself.

Until the next one..

Shanai xxx

I guess

I’m not even going to give you the “sorry i’ve not been posting” crap because well… Honestly i’ve been loving and living life. Just know that everything is going good(ish) with me at the minute and i’m in a happier place. After this post i’ll be writing more casually, as and when I choose. I may start posting pictures. I may write about stressful days, joyful moments. I just want this blog to be more… me. Rather than my past horrors, which whilst I appreciate they made me who I am now, I’m trying to move forward from that. I want you guys to be a part of my movement and I hope I can inspire people to try and do new things.

I’ve been trying to plan and think of topics for a couple of months now. I wanted to keep you guys entertained? That’s not the right word… Engaged, I think says it better. I was worried that I had nothing else to write about and you would get bored of me. Then I realised that, as much as this blog was to let others know the real me, it’s also to help myself. To learn and grow as a person and to reflect on things that broke and challenged me.

This is a thing that I have. I always want to please people and it’s not always a good thing. I can’t please everyone and I lose a piece of myself everytime I say yes to something that really and truely I don’t want to do. Would I call mysef a pushover? Yes, in certain circumstances I can be. I’ve let people walk all over me, treat me like how they wanted. Say some horrible things and yes I have a bad temper but i’m also a person who doesn’t like comfrontation. I don’t know how I put up with it to be honest. Everywhere I go people say ” you’re too nice ” and I think I am but does it hurt to be kind and polite to people? Like yo, have some manners at least. Imagine, I apologise if someone bumps into me. INTO ME.

I’m the modern day Yes Man. I haven’t watched that film but maybe I should. Learn how to say no more often. Then again… in saying that, I don’t like to let people down so i’ll try my hardest for them no matter what it is. I always feel like it’s my duty to be there for as many people as possible but man does it take it’s toll. I honestly think i’m an empath. (If you don’t know what that is google it. It’s long and to be honest quite interesting) I pick up things/vibes from people and my surroundings and i’m just overwhelmed with it. Anyways that’s a whole other conversation I don’t even think i’m ready to have with myself yet.

I moan quite a lot, this whole post just sounds annoying to me haha. If it’s boring you then i’m sorry. The past couple of weeks have been.. hard for me. It was my Dad’s 20th Anniversary of his death last week and my cousins birthday is in a couple of weeks. They’re both not here and i’ve been thinking about them so much that it hurts. I even had a dream that my cousin visited me and it felt so real. I only ever had dreams about my Dad before, my mom says he’s checking on me. Sometimes I wish before I sleep that he’ll visit me, but he never does. It usually happens when i’m in a hard place and need some encouragement that everything will be ok. I guess my cousin decided to let me know that this time. Again this is for another post…

*sigh* I don’t want to leave this on a mood killer or something sad. So i’ll let you guys know that i’m going to Japan! In november this year and i’m so excited about it. If you know me, you’ll know I love my anime, gaming & asian culture. Literally live and breathe for it. I’m packing half a suitcase because I know i’ll be buying any and everything that can come back with me. I think I may actually cry because i’m going with some of my favourite people and I can’t wait to share that experience with them. So yes, the past couple of weeks have been hard but I also have a lot to be thankful for. There’s always a silver lining to a grey cloud and i’m looking to go that way instead of into old habits.

I appreciate each and every person that reads this post or even my past 1’s. I’ll try my best to be more consistent but i’m also not making promises. I hope everyone is doing well and if you’re in a bad place then don’t be shy to get into contact with me. I might not always have the best advice but i’m here to just listen or vent to.

Until the next one…

Shanai xxx

It is what it is

I recently turned 26.

I feel like this next coming year for me will be an important one. I have a gut feeling, good will come but I have to take the bad also. I feel like I’m more prepared than ever. Honestly the past few weeks or so I’ve surprised myself in so many ways. It’s like I feel myself evolving and becoming the person that I was meant to be.

Work has been going ok. I’m learning more things every week and I’m enjoying it. Really trying to put myself out there and be more confident you know. My team consists of men and 2 women including myself so it’s very different but friendships are being established. My health has been very odd though. I have had Anaemia on and off for years now and when it decides to show up it always makes a show.

Now to be honest I’m actually very surprised that my anxiety has managed to stay so stable. Usually when I feel anything off with my body I start to tense up and panic but I’ve been really calm. Yes my anxiety at times does get triggered more easily but I think I’ve handled it in a way where I can cope. Even while I’m at work.

So my anaemia symptoms, the first 1 that I noticed was the fact that I can hear my own heartbeat and blood rushing in my veins. Which is really annoying and yes a weird symptom but it’s a symptom.. You can look it up haha. Next would be headaches where my head feels physically heavy like I have to lean on something to be able to bare it. Again annoying. Next is the tiredness and I didn’t clock this until the other day how I’ve been so tired lately but not so much a lack of energy. I just want to sleep all the time. Anyways, so these are my usual symptoms which sound like nothing but Anaemia can become very serious very quickly. Today I managed to sort some Iron tablets for myself which should sort me out in a couple of weeks. It usually does. If not then it’ll have to be a trip to the hospital but I don’t think it will come to that.

Other than that I’m sort of happy with life. There are things I want to do in 2019 and I don’t think I’ll be truely happy until I do them. They’re things I can achieve so I know I’ve got this. I just have to keep reminding myself why.

I’m really in the mood to get a new tattoo. I know what I want it to be I just don’t know where to put it. I think I’ll get it done sometime soon, a little gift for myself. You know how I’m not girly? Well yesterday I bought glue on nails just to try and I don’t know what to do with myself haha. It’s so weird. Never had nails this long in my life but it’s just a test so we’ll see if I actually keep them. I know, random but I think I want to just start telling you guys about my days and not just the depressing cycles and struggles that I have. Although I’ll still more than likely be venting on here.

I’ll try to get back into the habit of posting weekly but I’m not making promises. I hope you all are doing ok and are coping. Stay strong guys

Until the next one

Shanai xxx

Catch Up

It has been a while. I didn’t mean to disappear for so long but life happens right? Not in a bad way either. I’ve actually been very good and a lot of good changes and things have been made in the past month or so.

I managed to land a new job! I am now a Trainee CAD/BIM technician. Sounds more complicated than it is… Actually I take that back. Hah. It’s a more technical form of design, is probably how I should word it. I’m enjoying learning something new, it’s also nice to feel a part of something. Where I feel like I can put my knowledge to use whilst also learning. I think I’ll really enjoy it. The people I work with are all so nice and it’s a good change for me.

I’ve been here almost 3 weeks now. Honestly I thought it would have taken me longer to settle into the routine of going to bed, (at a reasonable time) waking up earlier & even getting the bus. We all know how I hate public transport. I’m doing it though and yes I have small bouts of anxiety but it’s nothing I can’t handle and I’m just loving life right now. I can not complain, it’s like things that I was trying to manifest this year are finally making an appearance. I’m noticing small changes to my confidence too, I’m doing things that I wouldn’t normally do and I just feel like I can conquer anything. I’m not even going to question myself either, just live in the moment right?

I have this gut feeling like the next few weeks will be really good. Like life is going to get better. Even though I’m really happy. Who know’s though! We’ll just have to wait and see! Anyways this post wasn’t just a catch up on how life is treating me right now. Over the next few weeks I’ll dive back into mental health and everything surrounding that. I hope you’re all well!

Until the next one

Shanai xxx

Anger & Frustration

This post will have some profanity in it. Which I sort of apologise for.

You see yesterday and the day before I was so fucking mad. To the point where I wanted to punch or hurt something. I was fuming because I was mad at myself. For allowing my anxiety to build up to the point of exhaustion.

Being positive and upbeat is something that takes up a lot of my energy. I’m not forcing myself to be happy, I genuinely am. Inside. Portraying that on the outside takes some work for me though. I’m trying, so damn hard that sometimes I forget to just let things ride out. Like if I’m feeling shit, then I need to allow myself to feel that. Instead it’s like I’m still trying to put up a display on my face. Why why why do I still do this?

See for the past couple of weeks my sleep pattern has been all over the place. I’ve said before that in order to balance myself out, I need decent sleep and food. Lately though, I think I’ve been caught up in the moment of embracing all the positive things that I was selectively taking care of myself. So a couple of days I would have a great sleep and diet but then I would have a few days of just not eating or sleeping really late. I forgot that it’s an ongoing thing that I have to commit to. So of course this all caught up with me the past few days. Hence me being so angry and anxious all of a sudden.

Any little thing was triggering me. If my mom or brother spoke to me I snapped at them. Which I am sorry for. I ended up going to the gym with my cousin. I warned her beforehand that I was in a pissy mood so I probably wouldn’t have been so chatty. Which I wasn’t. The gym calmed me though, yeah I only did cardio work but I actually felt myself calm down a little. I listened to Magic for 40 mins, just on repeat. Then I got home and lay down for the rest of the day because to be honest I needed it. One thing about me is that I can’t nap, no matter how hard I try, so resting myself was as good as I was going to get. Then of course I ate dinner and went to bed, although I still didn’t sleep until after 3am.

I’ve learn’t my lesson…. For now. I know this is going to be my cycle to try and beat for the next however long. I just apologise if I take it out on the people I care about. Today I’m good though, I can still feel the anxiety through my body but its not as high as the previous days. I’ve managed to eat breakfast & lunch and workout today so I can give myself some credit.

Until the next one…

Shanai xxx

Change in the air

Literally. When I say I feel a change in the air, I really do. I can’t explain the feeling or sensation, it’s just something that…. is. For the past year and a half I’ve been obviously working on myself and trying to become the best possible me. My brother introduced me to the Law of Attraction and everything surrounding that. It has honestly changed my outlook on life as a whole.

Life is what you make it. That’s what they say and what I truly believe. Here’s my thought process the majority of the time. Negative thoughts = negative outcomes, positive thoughts = positive outcomes. Ok yes, it’s not just a process of me thinking great things and then automatically something good is going to happen. You have to take the steps, make a move, believe in yourself to achieve what can be achieved. At the end of the day only you can help you and if you don’t believe in yourself, who will?

I have to say though, living with depression and trying to think positively is such a challenge. Having that internal battle is exhausting to say the least. I’m tired of the constant doubt and dread though. I understand that I will have my moments (some longer than others) and I do, but I’m down for the challenge. What have I really got to lose? I’ve reached my all time low before and sure I don’t want to head back in that direction but I’m prepared (sort of).

I’m learning to live in the moment, instead of trying to control and plan everything. I’m taking more risks, doing things that I previously would never have done and overall just enjoying life. For now at least. Even just saying that, is me being a bit sceptical but I really just can’t help it. That’s part of my personality. I’m sarcastic, slightly morbid and very emotional.

Anyway, back on topic. Law of attraction, speak it to the universe and watch it manifest. I think this is a topic that I honestly can’t write about. How can I make someone else believe with just words? But words are such a powerful source of expression. Notice how things make you feel, if someone says something bad you feel bad. Something good, you feel good. I think research and a lot of looking within yourself is the way to go about the law of attraction. I can not explain to you the changes in myself since the beginning of last year.

2017 was horrible. I was tired of being, to be blunt, a sap. I wasn’t working, I’d put on a load of weight. I was crying, miserable and just really really depressed. My brother introduced this new way of thinking to me and I’m not going to lie, I kind of overlooked it and was like whatever. The beginning of 2018 something inside of me snapped. I was done with the hopelessness and knew that I needed to change something, anything that wasn’t working for me. I wanted to finally start putting my qualifications to use and start a career. I didn’t know what I needed to do, I just knew I needed to do something. So, I changed my diet and started working out. I began applying for jobs, internships and I began to believe in myself. This was when I started speaking a bit more openly about how I’d been struggling too. With people around me and family. A couple of weeks into 2018, I got a design internship. Now some people will probably think oh that’s just luck, but honestly I believe that if I didn’t make those changes to myself. I wouldn’t have gotten that internship. After said internship I got my first design job. So this began my change in my beliefs.

Now, not everything I manifested turned out to be overall positive. My internship was very unorganised and my “design” job was just…. Well let’s not get into that. However, what I gained from both experiences I think made 2018 a year of learning. I’m not over my agoraphobia or social anxiety but I’m learning to deal with it. The same with depression, anxiety and everything else. This is all because I pushed myself last year, I changed my mindset. I gave myself hope that things would change and they did. They still are, this year didn’t begin where I wanted it to and I almost slipped back into a depression cycle. Almost…. I didn’t and guess what? I’ve just received some really good news and I’m actually excited for once! If you knew me as a person you’d know I don’t get excited about a whole bunch of things. I’ve always been that way but I’m slowly changing.

I can feel this big change in the air. It’s already began and good things are happening for me. I’m so much happier lately, I’ve lost a bit of weight and I can’t wait to see what happens next. I hope people can take something away from this and know that when you’re low, things can only get better. Your time will come, it’s what I believe for everyone. Just believe in yourself.

Until the next one

Shanai xxx