When was the last time you was honest? Not just with other people but yourself. When was the last time you truly expressed your thoughts and voiced your frustrations, opinions and dilemmas? Not even just that, your achievements, your goals or plans.
Note: This doesn’t have to be in a negative way. Think debates and discussions. Just general chit chat.
Answering that myself I can’t say that I have been. I tend to swerve a lot of situations, especially with the people closest to me. Lately it’s been bugging me so much that I feel like i’m going to burst. I want to be able to tell people when they’re pissing me off. When I feel insulted, ganged up on or hurt. I want to be able to say how I feel and people should respect that. At the end of the day we all have opinions. Some on things that don’t concern us, but when they do who am I to tell you how to feel?
Bottling up feelings is something that i’m a pro at. It just makes me uncomfortable to speak so openly and yes writing these blog posts are mad to me but it’s pushing me out of my comfort zone. These days, I am more honest with people but I do tend to give a watered down version of how I’m really feeling. I’m also not very good with words. I mumble or say the wrong thing. Then I feel like an idiot so I tend to stay quiet. Unless i’m having a laugh or intoxicated.
I often view this as a personality flaw in myself and wish that I could be more outspoken (why can’t you be normal Shanai). Sometimes I plan what I’m going to say to people but when it comes down to it I chicken out or again.. watered down version. This helps though. My online diary and maybe this is why i’ve been so frustrated and over thinking things lately. I haven’t touched my personal diary (or this one) in months. I will forever stress to people that writing things down. Just to get things off your chest can help so much. I have to learn to practise what I preach.
Here’s some honesty. I’m having a pretty bad anxiety attack whilst writing this paragraph. I’m sat on the bus next to someone I don’t know with thoughts that i’m about to pass out or die soon. This attack interrupted my gym routine, of which I had been looking forward to all day. I’m twitching, checking my pulse and trying to focus on Jagged Edge – Let’s get married being blasted into my ear. To be honest, (hah) I think I’m coping with it really well today. Although I’m really upset that I didn’t get to finish my workout. I’ll probably get home and cry with frustration or just because it feels good to release. What’s worse right now are the growing headache and pains in my body that I know are all to do with my anxiety. See when I have an attack I can only focus on 1 thing at a time. I’m focussed so much on writing that i’m forgetting words. Completely gone over my head. I’ll probably read this later and be like what in the world but I promise you I won’t edit it. I can’t wait to get home and i’m not even half way there yet.
I can confirm that I made it home safe and sound. A little tired but I made it. I baked, got a little more angry then I sang and cried for about an hour. Fun fact: Frank Ocean – There Will be Tears makes me cry everytime I listen or sing to it). I’m currently writing the next post, which has to do with this song and the reason why so stay tuned. My head isn’t in a very good place right now. I know what the problem is but doing something about it is stressing me out. This mental battle i’m having is so draining. I need to remember my positive affirmations. My goals, hopes and dreams. Believe in myself.
Until the next one..
Shanai xxx
Just Shanai 